A Time Machine with Hand Controls, Episode VI: 866 A.D., the British Isles
Time for the long-awaited sixth installment of the Time Machine with Hand Controls, in which our hero finds himself in the perilous position between a Viking long bow infantry and the treasure the Vikings sought out on the British Isles.
Just outside of York, England, 866 A.D. – The Time Machine with Hand Controls came to rest in the middle of a field. I got my chair out and popped the wheels on, and as I approached the village center, the locals began to stop what they were doing, and the cry of “Ivar!” began to grow louder. I, being well-versed in ninth-century Anglo-Saxon speech quickly determined that the locals thought that I was a Viking raider known as “Ivar the Boneless.” I did not do anything to make them think I was Ivar, but I did not deny it at first either. It was a powerful feeling.
I learned that the dreaded Vikings had just attacked York and were beginning to lay waste to surrounding areas, and news had made its way around that the raiders were led by a “legless demon” who was carried on an armor plated pallet.
According to the stories, Ivar either had no legs, or he had what is now known as osteogenesis, or brittle bones leaving him unable to stand. Whatever his affliction, he did indeed lead his army into battle, carried on a shield, which I found out when, not long after I arrived, who should appear but Ivar himself on his shield, at the head of an infantry of Scandinavian pillagers on horseback barraging the village with arrows from longbows and torching everything in sight.
He shot a long bow from his “chariot” while screaming out instructions to his front line. In the Scandinavian military culture of the time, a Viking leader was expected to lead his troops into battle, and by God, Ivar was clearly driven to the point of inhumanity to do so. What I witnessed was an attack which was no less merciless than any other great siege in world history.
I had seen the movie “The Butterfly Effect” so I was not going to affect history one way or another by taking up arms for or against Ivar. Instead I headed for the woods, far out of range of the longbow, and watched with binoculars. I was unable to determine which story of Ivar was the true one, if either, but the Brits ran from Ivar and his band as though he were a minion of the devil himself. The Scandinavians quickly laid waste to everything in sight, so I sneaked through the brush back to the Time Machine with Hand Controls, and got the hell out of dodge, having satisfied my curiosity about one of the most mythical, yet very real, figures in disabled history.